It has been six months since my last post, and frankly blogging has not been one of my priorities. But lately I've been feeling the need to post, mainly for myself. Life takes crazy turns, to say the least. Speaking of life in general, General Conference was absolutely wonderful. Having a young one makes listening sketchy at times but what I did hear was nourishing to the soul. And I need to place emphasis on Elder Holland's talk. His words spoke straight to my soul and I desperately needed to hear them.
When we moved to Utah at the beginning of the summer we were filled with excitement and the thrill of feeling like we are finally moving along in life. Taylor would start the Police Academy in the fall and by next summer he would be ready to be hired as a Police officer and we would be ready to move on ahead with our plans that we have waited for seemingly so long. His health was great, although there would be a day here or there that his colitis acted up but overall we were positive and confident.
The summer wore on and Taylor's health just wouldn't give him a break. By the end of the summer his Ulcerative Colitis was beginning to get worse and we were getting more worried with each day that passed, knowing the Police Academy was right around the corner. September arrived and after Taylor's first day at the Academy he had an appointment with his new Gastroenterologist here in Utah. They placed him back on the steroid with the hopes that the bleeding (which had begun that same week) and the diarrhea (which had started weeks before) would quickly go away and he would get feeling back to normal. By the end of the second week of the Academy Taylor was so sick he could hardly get out of bed, except to use the restroom which was about once every hour, or more. He had lost about 10 pounds in a week and could no longer get himself to go to class. Up until this point we we hadn't really considered that the Police Academy wouldn't be happening this year. But our biggest fears were being realized not only because we would have to wait yet another year to set our plans into motion, but Taylor was getting just as sick as he was two years ago, and we hoped that would never happen again.
The doctor scheduled a colonoscopy for Taylor which took place last week. After the procedure the doctor came in and said without reserve, "Your colitis is horrible." He said they would start Taylor on Remicade IV infusions and in several months if he isn't in remission they will perform a colostomy, as in remove his colon. Taylor and I have known about this surgery and as terrible as it may sound, especially to those who have never heard of it before, we know a lot of people who have had their colons removed and have had normal lives after. Meaning they have no more Ulcerative Colitis. With the options the doctor gave us, we were relieved. My biggest fear going into the colonoscopy was that the doctors would take Taylor through a rollercoaster of trying different medications with many months of trial and error, waiting for Taylor to get well again. But the condition of Taylor's colon drove them to decide to jump to the final levels of treatment for the problem.
This past week we've just been waiting for Taylor to start Remicade, which should hopefully be early next week. We really hope and pray that the Remicade will get him well again, and if it doesn't, there is the surgery. So now we wait.
I need to start off by saying that our little family is so blessed. We have been given so much, and in our trials we have found comfort in our love for each other, in our love of our Savior and in His love for us. Our struggles have brought us closer together as a family and closer to Heavenly Father and his Son. But in these faith building experiences I also find myself struggling with my faults and feeling so weak. These past two years have presented some great trials for myself, Taylor and Mercedes. The decline of my husband's health two years ago followed by many months of recovery, the heartbreaking loss of a pregnancy last fall and the speedy attack on Taylor's health again making him drop out of the academy this year has placed the word PATIENCE right into the center of our souls. It is a learning curve which I still feel very far from grasping fully.
When I'm trying to fix Taylor something to eat and Mercedes is hanging on me or having a melt down or just needing me I feel my grip on patience slipping. I put Mercedes in her room to cry out a little tantrum of hers and I'll close the door and walk away, crying myself...feeling so overwhelmed with the burden that has hung over us.
I don't know if there are specific reasons for why we are having the trials we do but I do know that Heavenly Father wants us to come out of them better people than we were before.
Conference this weekend has been nourishing to the spirit and soul, and has left me with a great deal of comfort, and a lot to think about. Elder Holland and President Monson gave talks that particularly stood out to me, and as it was for others, I know it was a gift from God sent to comfort me as well.
Included in many of the things said was this quote by Elder Holland. "Though we may feel like we are a broken vessel...we must remember that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter."
I know that Christ lives. I know that because he died for us and was resurrected, we get to take part in the resurrection someday where our bodies will be perfected. I know that life is hard, but I'm grateful for it, because without hard things how could we possibly become like Heavenly Father someday? I love His gospel and know that it is true. And I know that with trust in Christ we can be happy, no matter what.
