2 Timothy 1:7

As I was sitting here next to my sleeping husband in the ICU I thought it would be a good time to write here on this blog. My emotions have been so fragile lately and I'm fighting to keep myself composed so I don't look like a mess to the nurses. As I pointed out, we are back in the hospital for a third time in just over as many months. With all of the complications of Taylor's ulcerative colitis and trying new medications to get him well he's seemed to catch some sort of virus or get some kind of infection. We're still waiting for results from the lab to tell us exactly what it is. A fever and chills is what drove us in here in the first place.

Two nights ago Taylor was transferred into the ICU because some of his numbers were up and they weren't coming down. Taylor's dad came and gave him a fathers blessing before they took him up. I am so grateful for the priesthood.

The nurse dropped me off in the waiting room so they could get Taylor settled in. I hated leaving him, he was so nervous. So was I. Later the nurse returned for me and I anxiously walked back and came in to see Taylor with a tortured expression on his face. Nurses were sticking needles in him left and right, his temperature was almost 103 and rising and he literally looked as if he was at his breaking point. He's been going through so much for so long. I hope I never have to see that expression on his face again. I stared to get dizzy as I watched him in pain and as I watched the nurses stick him over and over. They were having little success getting the blood samples they needed.

Time passed and his temperature rose to a high of 105.2. For what seemed like hours it wasn't coming down. I kept thinking "if ICU can't bring down the fever then what is going to happen?". As minutes passed I stared at the monitor watching his numbers and I felt so affraid. Around three thirty in the morning I felt like I was going crazy with worry. I went into the hall and called my mom who was awake in Utah. I broke down and told her how scared I was. I told her how scared I was for my husband and also how much I miss mercedes. She told me she would be flying out the next day. I was relieved to hear it and I felt a little strengthened. Later I slept a in a chair in the hospital room and as morning crept in his fever broke and eventually that along with his heart rate was within normal range again.

His fever returned last night but wasn't as high. His mom stayed with him in the night so that I could get a good nights sleep at our place and spend some time with Mercedes. My mom got into town last night and I am so glad she is here. She is at home with Mercedes now.

I keep feeling fear and worry overwhelm me as I sit and wonder "what next?". How long will he be in the hospital this time and how long can i last feeling like my heart is torn apart between being with my daughter at home and then being with taylor at the hospital. How long is this all really going to last? How many more days, weeks, months will it be before Taylor is well again? And I can't even imagine the worst. I love Taylor so much, he is the most amazing man. I need him always. I'm trying so hard to be strong for him.

Through all this I'm trying to keep an eternal perspective. Sometimes it's all I can do to keep from falling into despair. And then I try to think about how much worse it could be. I am so grateful I'm not in the middle of a pregnancy right now, I'm so grateful I have only one baby to miss rather than five little ones. I'm so grateful that we are living now rather than fifty years ago because fifty years ago colitis was practically a death sentence. I'm so grateful for doctors and nurses, hospitals and medical technology. Things could be worse, and I am thankful they are not. But this is still hard. I just have to remember that I'm not necessarily supposed to feel fear and despair. It is natural to feel and part of being mortal but Heavenly Father has shown us another way and i try to remember it. Life is better when we remember.

2 Timothy 1:7

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

I need to remember to have faith and hope, and remember that the Lord through the atonement knows exactly what our little family is going through. And because he has felt it I can trust that he can carry me and us through this. I am so grateful for this gospel and I am grateful for trials. As amazingly difficult as this has been, it has made me a different person, and I feel for others like I never have before. There is so much love in this world. There is so much charity and selfless service. To be on the receiving end has been a humbling experience and a blessing beyond measure.